4 Ways To Hold Better Conversations

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Most of us have found ourselves in the uncomfortable situation of a fizzling conversation — whether while out to coffee with a new friend, or on a first date, or even in a professional meeting. Maybe we already went through the basics, like asking where they’re from, or what they do for a living, and the silences in between each question or comment have continued to grow with each passing minute.

We find ourselves reaching for the water in front of us, just for something to do. We exchange a small smile with the person across from us, before we both look down at our shoes, willing the other person to finally come up with something else to say. 

We aren’t like this with our closest friends, just people we don’t know that well. But when we see other people who are able to seemingly effortlessly keep an engaging conversation going, no matter who they’re talking to, we start to wonder: is there an art to having good conversations? And how can we learn to do just that?

01 | Treat them like the most interesting person in the world.

If there’s one thing every single person loves, it’s to be treated like what they’re saying matters. We want to know that the person sitting across from us is actually engrossed in what we’re saying, that they find us and the life we’re leading to be meaningful and worth paying attention to.

In order to keep a conversation flowing, it’s important to treat the person you’re speaking with like they’re fascinating to you — even if what they’re saying isn’t groundbreaking. Giving them your full attention and assuring them that you’re interested is the simplest way to get someone to keep on talking, thus creating a conversation with less lulls.

02 | Find something you have in common.

We like what is familiar to us. And we also gravitate towards people who share loves, values, or similar experiences with us, with whom we feel there is something we can bond over, just by having something in common.

We can connect with someone over the place we grew up, a book we both enjoyed, a hobby we share, or a unique experience we have in common. Finding common ground with someone will immediately make them feel like you have a special understanding of them, helping conversation flow more naturally.

03 | Ask questions that require more than a one-word answer.

Part of keeping a conversation going involves asking questions and showing interest. But not just any questions — it’s important to ask good, thoughtful questions that allow for good, thoughtful answers. 

Good questions are those that require more than a “yes” or “no” as an answer. So instead of asking, “Do you miss living on Oregon?” consider asking, “What do you miss most about Oregon?” Small adjustments like this will make it much easier to keep a conversation going.

04 | Be an active listener.

We all want to know that what we’re saying is landing — that we’re talking to a person instead of at them. The simplest way to communicate to someone that we’re not just kind of listening to what they’re saying, but listening to every word, is by actively listening.

Even if we don’t actually say anything consequential in response to what they’re saying, simply making encouraging “Mmm” sounds, or “Wow!” and, “That’s amazing,” comments will make your conversation partner more willing to continue talking.