Insecurity Lies At The Heart Of Loneliness

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I grew up in New York City, with its overcrowded trains, busy crosswalks, people in and out of stores – it always felt like I was being looked over and evaluated. People look you up and down in the city. What are you wearing? Where are you going? What are you doing?

But it wasn’t just the city; the neighborhood I grew up in was one where your taste was what made you cool, what made you “in”. That social pressure of fitting in, really to be like everyone else, brewed strong feelings of insecurity inside of me.

Even more than not fitting in, however, I feared being alone. I found that my fear of being friendless or not belonging to a group often pushed me to conform to the ways and the interests of others. But I couldn’t keep the facade for long; the upkeep was exhausting, the anxiety of being “found out” was stressful.

Even as I grew to embrace what I actually liked and found friends with whom I shared these likes, I still held those feelings of insecurity close to heart. I still walked with the anxiety of not fitting in.

“The upkeep was exhausting, the anxiety of being ‘found out’ was stressful.”

As I got older, these feelings of insecurity took shape in me closing people off. I’d shut people out; I didn’t want to hear criticisms; I couldn’t even handle positive feedback because I wouldn’t believe it. Instead, I grew arrogant, irritable, rude, and angry. I felt unseen and misunderstood (where are my fellow emo girls at?). I was deeply insecure.

This long struggle with insecurity led me to ponder the root of it.

What exactly is insecurity?

According to Good Therapy, someone with high levels of insecurity may experience a lack of confidence, or a self-perception of helplessness or inadequacy. Insecurity can also cause negative thoughts about one’s ability to fit in with peers, reach goals, or find acceptance and support (Good Therapy). 

We can become insecure about something within ourselves due to the kind of childhood we had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about ourselves, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner (Psychology Today). 

Those feelings of lack, the self-doubting and self-loathing can take different forms depending on the person. For me, the fear of being evaluated by others and to be found lacking in something, like not having the same taste in music, movies, or style, fed into my insecurity. According to Psychology Today, “this type of insecurity is generally based on distorted beliefs about your self-worth — and about the extent to which other people are evaluating you.”

I eventually got so burnt out with the people-pleasing and conforming that I turned to the Bible to see how the people in these epic, life-changing stories handled the very human struggle of insecurity and inner-battle over what others thought of them. But, of course, one story in particular stood out to me.

From reading passages in the New Testament and Jesus’ example of life, His focus and peace were captivating to me, inspiring. I wanted that. I wanted to be that confident and focused and not worry or even concern myself with what others thought of me. Not so that other people’s opinions wouldn’t matter, but so that they wouldn’t shake me.

Reading Psalm 56 in particular calmed my worried heart, especially verses 10-11: “In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?”

What can man do to me? This new perspective that people’s opinions – if they even have any opinion of me, or what I like – could do nothing to me was refreshing. I learned to challenge my inner-critic: So what if people judge me? So what if they don’t care for me or what I like? So what? I’d still be alive; I could continue to live on with myself, and what I enjoy, and shouldn’t fear expressing myself. 

“This new perspective that people’s opinions could do nothing to me was refreshing.”

Reading the examples in the Bible of people’s confidence in who they were encouraged me to pray for that experience. I asked God for peace, to help me see myself the way He sees me. But I still needed self-love. I could accept God’s love for me, but I needed to learn to love myself, for myself, as well; to not hold myself to such high standards; to show myself grace. This gentleness with myself brought inner-healing, and that grace brought peace.

It took years of being kind to myself and taking bold steps in cultivating deeper connections with others to overcome my insecurity. My self-confidence started small. But it grew, and I courageously (because it takes pure courage when you’re insecure) extended invitations to others to pray together, meet for coffee, or go for walks. As I found connections with other women – some with similar tastes as me, and some with just our faith in common – my confidence in myself and who I was grew.

I started with acceptance of not just myself, but others – accepting that my expectation of others being just like me was unrealistic, and that it’s okay if I’m not like everyone else. God, the very creator of life, made us all so uniquely. Being fully myself in spaces that friends and I cultivated strengthened my self-esteem. Being totally and fully known, I could be totally and fully loved. I could also offer that grace to others, letting them know that they, too, could be their true selves with me.

In short…

Praying with other women, being vulnerable and forging deep and meaningful connections helped me overcome my insecurity, as others shared their vulnerabilities as well. My focus today isn’t on myself any longer, but instead, on being there for others.