How Romance Novels Shaped My Opinions on Love, Marriage, and Relationships
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I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. Maybe it was genetically passed down to me through my mother. Perhaps it was the Disney princess movies I watched when I was younger. Or it could be my early introduction to the song Look at Me, crooned by Alan Jackson.
Since I love stories as well as romance, it’s no surprise that when I discovered clean romantic fiction in the form of movies and books, I fell in love with both. I devoured Pride and Prejudice, swooned over the Anne of Green Gables series, and sat entranced as the 1995 movie Sabrina played before me.
But soon clouds gathered over my romantic thoughts. I knew there were people who pooh-poohed romance (such as certain male family members who didn’t understand the importance of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth falling for each other).
But after a few random internet searches and some talks with people in my sphere, I discovered that romance novels were belittled, ridiculed, and even condemned as sinful by some Christians. And they weren’t referring to the illicit, immoral romances. They were talking about sweet, clean romances. The argument is romances are poorly written, fluffy, and/or cause women to have unrealistic expectations about men and relationships.
I’m not going to lie, this made me sit back and scratch my head. There are poorly written romances, but every genre has that problem. Yes, most romances don’t contain solutions for world hunger or homelessness. But is there no value to them? Can they really be called shallow, unrealistic, and ridiculous?
I thought about how romance novels have impacted me. How after reading pages of “good” dating advice I still didn’t have a clue of what I wanted in a husband. I was given vague advice like “find a man with good character” and “marry someone who loves God” and “it’s the heart that matters, not looks.”
While true, what does that look like in real life? I learned from romance novels what I wanted in a man, not from sermons or lectures. There was no need to wonder if a particular man was a “good guy” or not. Characters showed me what those traits looked like and I can now say what I want in a man with certainty.
Every Jane Austen novel I read was sure to distinguish the scoundrels from the gentlemen. Love on a Dime by Cara Lynn James taught me to find a man who shared my beliefs and values. I observed the need for a man to respect my opinions and believe in my ideas through Positively, Penelope by Pepper Basham. Jane by the Book by the same author and Dear Mr. Knightley by Katherine Reay highlighted the importance of authenticity and honesty.
But just because a man is good or expresses interest in me doesn’t mean I should date him. While integrity is important, there was another component to deciding if a man is the right one. It came to me as I read Patti Callahan Henry’s fascinating book Becoming Mrs. Lewis, which tells the tale of Joy Davidman. In the story, C.S. Lewis and Joy were friends before they were lovers and that friendship was fertile ground for their love.
The realization fully blossomed when I came upon Authentically, Izzy, the book preceding Positively, Penelope. As Izzy Edgewood corresponds over lengthy emails with Brodie Sutherland, they find that they have the same taste in stories, food, and lifestyle. Each obsesses over Lord of the Rings, books, quotes, and dogs. They see each other’s flaws and quirks and accepts the other person as they are. Friendship is the foundation for their relationship and that is what makes their love so sweet. It is the conversations, shared passions, personalities that compliment one another, and quiet moments spent together which binds them. As Jane Austen says “There could have never been two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved.”
Yes, falling in love is lovely, but I found the friendship that upholds such a love is just as beautiful, perhaps even better. I don’t want to just be close to my future husband physically; I want a place where I can safely share my heart, hopes, dreams, ideas, and opinions and I want someone to feel I can be that place for him.
While reading these books I found the answer to a conundrum that had puzzled me for some time. I will never stop laughing whenever I read an article which says to “have high standards” but then turns around and admonishes “don’t be picky” in the next paragraph.
Which is it, I want to know. I’m not expecting perfection in any man or relationship, but what’s wrong with holding out for the best? The countless books where a heroine does or does not lower her standards showed me the importance of keeping mine. I don’t have to be ashamed of wanting the best man for me. Settling for an “okay” or “decent” guy may not ruin my life or result in divorce, but forcing a relationship to work will make things more difficult and both parties will be miserable. Someone will always feel it’s their duty to tell me that my ideal man doesn’t exist, that I need to get my head out of the clouds and face reality before I end up trapped in singleness forever.
I don’t need to pay attention to that person and I can flat out acknowledge they are wrong. I shouldn’t lower my standards and settle for less just to get off the single boat. Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice showed me as much. She had three men to choose from in the course of the story: Mr. Collins, Mr. Wickham, and Mr. Darcy. She could've easily settled for Mr. Collins in case this was the only proposal she would ever receive, as he told her. But while the patronage of Lady Catherine de Bourgh was tempting, she knew she could never live with him. After a word of caution from her aunt and the further revelation of Mr. Darcy's letter, Elizabeth discouraged Wickham's attentions. Both times she not only ignored what society expected of her, but also what her mother wanted. Elizabeth fell in love with Darcy only when she observed he was the best man for her and someone whom she not only liked, but loved.
One of the most thoughtful bits I discovered about romance is that there is always hope for a relationship, as long as someone learns from their mistakes, moves on from the past, matures, and/or extends grace and forgiveness. We live in a fallen world with fallen people who carry some form of heartache or brokenness with them. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for a beautiful romance.
While there are obstacles that will have to be overcome on both sides, brokenness does not inhibit happily-ever-afters. Windswept Way by Irene Hannon displayed that physical imperfections don’t derail a person’s chance at love. Starfish Pier by the same author, The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers, and The Mistletoe Countess by Pepper Basham demonstrate that a person’s past doesn’t dictate who they are now, nor does it determine their future. Redemption, second chances, and forgiveness can work wonders in any person or relationship.
As I look back on the lessons those love stories have taught me, I re-examine the accusations leveled at romance novels. If these stories were shallow and ridiculous, would they hold such powerful lessons? Or is it that these teachings are so subtle they are often overlooked? Is it unrealistic to look for love like that?
I am aware that some people find romance novels cause them to stumble and that others view them as a frivolous or even a harmful past time. For me, though, all these romance books mentioned and more caused me to think deeply about dating and marriage, what I want in the future love-of-my-life, and how I should handle the various hurdles romance invariably brings with it. Many may regard romances as poor literature, but for me they have been an example for me to follow.
Books mentioned in this article:
