Dear Single Ladies: A Letter From Your Married Mom Friend

Photo by Anastasiia Rozumna on Unsplash

Dear Single Ladies,

Before you totally tune me out, let me start by saying that what follows is not a list of dating tips or advice on how to find a husband. Heaven knows that if I tried to tell you how to date in a world of online profiles and swiping left (right?), I’d sound like a completely out-of-touch grandma. Besides, if that’s the type of content you’re looking for (and I’m betting it isn’t), you can find hundreds of suggestions with a single Google search.

This is also not an attempt to convince you to leave your single ways behind and settle down, or to tell you cheesy cliches about your future. This is a confession, and an attempt to set the record straight.

Because, single friends, you’ve been on my mind a lot recently. Not out of pity or sympathy; but because I think we’ve been doing you a disservice. We’ve made assumptions about where and how you fit in our lives; assumptions that are negatively affecting us all.

Here’s the thing: I love being married. Starting and ending the day with my person, walking through the highs and lows and all the in-between moments with a man whose love is steady and real and deep is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced.

And I love being a mom. I find delight in watching my kids grow and learn and discover the world, all while depending on me to guide them. But I’m not made whole by either of those things — and you’re not made lacking without them.

For too long, I think those of us who are in the throes of marriage and motherhood have come to consider our single friends as “in waiting”; as though there’s a gap in your life that’s yet to be filled. 

We’ve somehow adopted this idea that the titles of wife and mother mean we also have the roles of leader, teacher, and advice-giver; that you should be learning from us.

“For too long, I think those of us who are in the throes of marriage and motherhood have come to consider our single friends as ‘in waiting’.”

But one look at your lives and the truth is clear: your days are full and rich and you’re doing incredible things in your work and communities, and with and for the people around you. Your single days aren’t a portion of your life waiting to be redeemed once you find a special someone and walk down the aisle. They’re good and necessary and purpose-filled just as they are, at this very moment.

The truth is that we need you. Our families, our churches, our communities; we all need you. Not because of your singleness. And certainly not in spite of it. No, we need you for the sheer fact that you are a person created in the image of God and, as a result, you possess gifts and traits and talents that reflect his nature.

“Our families, our churches, our communities; we all need you. Not because of your singleness. And certainly not in spite of it.”

Your unique perspective, your past challenges, your current season — they all have the power to impact our communities right now, and to lead us toward growth and a deeper understanding of what it means to live and learn together.

You pull us out of our little bubbles and breathe new life and energy into our days. You get us out of our echo chambers of mommy culture and meal planning and diaper changing, and remind us that life is bigger and broader.

Your lives are different from ours, and because of that, you find wisdom and truth in places unfamiliar to us. You have much to teach us, and I’d hate to think we’re leaving learning opportunities on the table because we’ve come to believe that we only need the people whose days and routines and home lives look exactly like ours.

“Your lives are different from ours, and because of that, you find wisdom and truth in places unfamiliar to us.”

Let’s make an effort to cultivate friendships that honor all seasons of life, with the understanding that we have a Creator who uses and delights equally in them all. Let’s reflect the truth that Godly womanhood isn’t about whether we’ve changed our last names or purchased homes with nurseries, but about a relentless pursuit of our Father, and that we do that better when we do it together.

Single friend, perhaps you’re reading this and longing for the day when you get to say, “I do” and embark on that chapter of your life. If that’s you, my hope is that, even as you seek and dream, you won’t allow a desire for a future season to keep your from living abundantly in your current one. 

And my prayer is, as churches and communities, we’d come alongside you to encourage you in the here and now. That, for our local congregations, the word “family” wouldn’t just be part of our slogans or catchphrases, but it would be a true descriptor of how we operate so, even as you wait to start a “family of your own,” you’re already a part of one.

“Even as you wait to start a ‘family of your own,’ you’re already a part of one.”

So, for all the times we’ve made it seem as though your relationship status is the most interesting thing about you; for all the times we’ve limited our prayers for you to be about finding someone else; for all the times you’ve been made to feel lonely or incomplete, I’m sorry. We can do better. And it starts with our commitment to stop acting as though marriage and motherhood are a sort of prerequisite for living a full, meaningful life.

And one more thing — a request, if I may. From wedding showers to kids’ birthday parties, you are so good at celebrating our milestones with us. It’s time we celebrated yours with you. So please, share your big moments. 

Send the Christmas cards and share the vacation pictures. They matter, and they’re just as beautiful and significant as those that include wedding rings and toothy toddler grins. Show up to the dinner party without a plus one, and without an excuse or apology. Our conversations and our tables are made better when you’re in and around them. Our lives are made richer when you are a part of them and I, for one, don’t want to miss out!